how do you one thing is how you do everything.

i’m headed back to California after a year and half of living in Mexico. my emotions about it are mixed. I have summer and early fall plans that will be fun and exciting… but, still… it’s not Mexico.

as a native San Franciscan, it feels strange to say this, but when I came here, I never left my heart in San Francisco. but I will in Mexico.

i’m grateful for my time here, and yet the grief…oof.

grief is never about one thing.

we can’t cry in isolation about a current loss without feeling all the other losses in our life, big or small. they’re triggered each time because of nervous system imprinting; that time when you were a child and you didn’t get what you needed from your parents or when your beloved dog died. for me, my core wounds of abandonment are touched when I experience grief.

just as we can’t isolate loss, we don’t compartmentalize how we approach our lives.

if you feel exhausted because you overextend yourself by saying yes to every social invite (but will have FOMO if you say no), your relationship boundaries will also be weak, and you will try to fix, save or mother your romantic partner. underneath your exhaustion lies an unconscious belief driving your behavior and permeating all facets of your life.

get it?

it’s never just one thing. it’s a pattern.

so back to me and Mexico.

I leave for California in one week and i’m noticing with each day, i’m holding on tighter. it’s a subtle feeling of constriction in my body and also in my mind because they are connected. what happens in the body also affects your thoughts. it’s a sense of resistance that is revealing as denial. oh one week, that’s a lot of time. I don’t have to worry about that right now.

one part of me is still here and wants to be here. another part of me is aware that - just like going to burning man - the experience is beyond what you can imagine and eventually it’s time to take the lessons and teachings of the experience back into the default world by carrying them in the heart.

so it’s a tension between holding on and letting go.

in a session with one of my coaches yesterday, she asked if this was a pattern. I had to think about it for a moment, but yes….yes it is.

i’ve been here before in my life.

the bomb drop of divorce that ripped the carpet out from underneath me in a marriage I would not have otherwise considered leaving. jobs that I never wanted to leave but my time there expired a long time ago. romantic relationships that weren’t right for me, and never were, but couldn’t let go. and my father…taking mere breadcrumbs of what I deserved to receive because I couldn’t find it in my heart to go no contact.

all that is core wounding; anxious attachment patterning.

and so here in mexico, I discovered a way of living that filled my heart in unexpected ways. from start to finish, I built a life on my terms. I learned amazing, sometimes difficult, things about myself and my business (which were the same insights because how you do one thing, is how you do everything.)

letting something so beautiful go is hard. I fear it will all fade away as if it never happened and I want to hold on. forever. just like those moments when I could truly feel my dad’s emotional presence.

the difference in this situation vs. other similar experiences like it is this.

the part of me that is holding the greater vision for myself and my expansion is my higher self. i’m connected to this part of me more now.

she’s wise.

she knows that i’m carrying medicine. from the land, from the sun, from community, from my experiences and expansion here.

even when I go back, I will not be the same version of self as I was when I left. we never are.

i’m more secure. self-assured. confident. wise. empowered.

the version of me that came here a year and half ago was on a quest to discover herself. and I did that.

going back is now an experiment in self-trust — trusting that these qualities in me are embodied and not dependent on what is outside of me to be true. I love holding this vision.

and yet there is grief.

there will always be grief in our choices. because a yes to one thing, is a no to something else.

🪷

as for you - if you can’t yet see how the way you do one thing is how you do everything, it’s because 95% of everything you do is driven by your subconscious. so you literally can’t see it. but an awesome coach in your corner can help you unearth the pattern.

how about we hop on a call?

I don’t bite. I promise. 😉