performing is painful

performing is a way we are taught - conditioned - to be when we are young.

my parents were young parents to me. my mom was 21 when I was born, my dad 24. as their first kid, they had no idea what they were doing with me, let alone with themselves. they eloped just a couple years prior; their decision to be together was a trauma bond.

as a kid, I loved to read, and since I did so at much younger age than expected, they figured out that I was smart. as I got to school age, I was enrolled in advanced classes and special learning programs. and I earned the grades.

the grades earned me praise and attention.

forget that I also loved arts and crafts. forget that I also loved to write short stories as a young girl.

it was about grades. and the way I was expected to behave as the oldest of 3 children.

‘make your bed.’

my bed was always perfect. I learned to make ‘hospital corners’ young. and when it came time to get into bed at night, i’d slither my way into the sheets so I didn’t disturb the perfection of the folds.

‘clean your room.’

i shared a room with my sister. my side of the bedroom was always neat and tidy.

when I wasn’t that idealized version of a child they wanted me to be — when I would act like a kid and get in trouble — I got sent to my room and the repair process afterwards was less than ideal most of the time.

trauma isn’t always what we think it is.

if something happens when we are young that is too much, too fast, or too soon (overwhelming) for our nervous systems, it leaves an imprint on us. it’s not just what happens; it can also be what didn’t happen or what we didn’t receive. you can grow up with a seemingly ‘normal’ family; both parents together, a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothes on your back, and have trauma.

and so, like every other person, I’ve experienced trauma.

I was raised to be a ‘good girl’ with all the patriarchal expectations that go along with it. good girls make their bed everyday. good girls keep a clean room. good girls do their homework. good girls don’t ruffle feathers. good girls do what they are told. good girls follow the rules. and when I didn’t, I got punished.

so I learned to be that — the good girl who performed for love and connection.

what was missing was praise for the kind of human I was becoming, the qualities in me — untethered from my behavior — that made me special.

and it led to tremendous internal turmoil in adulthood.

what people see about me on the outside: organized. does quality work. thorough. detail-oriented. delivers what is needed.

but my internal experience was: crippling anxiety. overthinking. over analyzing. perfectionism. procrastination at times. intense fear of making mistakes so holding myself back in career, and needing external validation or assurance that i’m on the right path.

on my healing journey — before I understood I experienced trauma and long before I went deeper into my inner work — I tried to ‘do’ self-love, only to end up performing once again.

👉🏽 meditation (‘performed’ by scheduling a quickie between meetings, to cross it off my list)

👉🏽 yoga (‘performed’ on the mat early on in my yoga practice to prove I could do it and was ‘better at it’ than others)

👉🏽 journaling (‘performed’ by jotting down the events of my day just to say I was journaling vs. going deeper into the intent of journaling.)

i’ve even caught myself in moments ‘performing’ in my business. and OOF, that was so big to see. our core wounds, our trauma, impacts all areas of our lives.

and the performance for love wounding may seem superficial but it runs deep — and it’s painful.

unconsciously what we’re seeking — validation and approval — is reliant on what is outside of us. we want the world to give to us that damn Gold Star when really, it cannot. everyone is operating through the lens of their trauma which forms their view of the world. anytime you seek outside of yourself, you are playing a game in life you can never win. you will always be seeking and coming up empty.

we perform when we lack self-trust.

the kind of trust that comes from being rooted in your knowing. that your worth is not defined by what you ‘do’ or from how the external world responds to you, but is inherent as the unique special spark in this world that you are. that safety is a felt sense inside of you, in your body, and until you experience that, the world will not feel safe to engage in without defaulting to performing.

that’s what I had to learn and heal. and despite my inner work, i’m still discovering and working on the crevices of my life where this pattern still plays out. (remember, this patterning is DEEP and it can reveal in layers on a healing journey.)

in my experience, that is the foundation of self-love.

because when you perform for love, you learn love is conditional. only when X happens will I receive love. only when I do Y will I receive love.

and you never, ever feel safe. until you discover safety within yourself.

🪷

share with me, what makes you feel safe in your life?