is anger 'a crime'?

Ever wake up, say fuck when see the time on the phone, and since you know you can’t go back to sleep, lay there and listen to a podcast?

well the other day, this was me. and the podcast I chose was with James Sexton, NYs top divorce lawyer and author. (fabulous convo, btw)

they were talking about men sleeping around on their wives. James related it to serial killer documentaries. he said, “it’s not the crime, it’s the coverup. the things you do to try to cover your tracks are the things that leave the tracks.”

I love this analogy because i’ve been diving into my anger lately to build a stronger relationship with it. I am working on expanding my ability to stay in conflict situations in a more healthy, productive way instead of shutting down.

so here’s how these two ideas resonate and connect:

we’re conditioned to think about anger as a destructive force. the media glorifies violence and fear. and when we take a closer look at the messages so many of us received in childhood — “anger is bad,” “you have nothing to be angry about," "go to your room until you can be nice," “there’s no reason to be upset.” — coupled with societal/patriarchal ‘good girl’ conditioning, it’s no surprise so many women (myself included) learned to suppress their anger. 🙏🏼

it’s a protective mechanism, a safety strategy.

the belief that I formed because of my trauma was “anger is bad because it leads to disconnection and punishment” looking back, any time i’ve let it out, i’ve felt deep regret and shame.

this comes back to that quote by James.

anger is a natural, protective emotion all humans experience. it is mobilizing energy from your nervous system. without it, we can’t feel safe, we can’t protect ourselves, we can’t set boundaries, we can’t speak our truth, and we cannot feel empowered to move out of victim consciousness.

👉🏽 yet feeling it is considered ‘a crime’.

suppressing it turns it inward. and it leaks out like passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, being overly critical and judgmental of others, becoming hateful, irritated or annoyed, silence or withdrawal.

👉🏽 these are examples of ‘the cover up’. the trail of breadcrumbs pointing back to ‘the crime’.

our body might be communicating our anger - tightness in chest, heat, energy moving to our hands, fast heartbeat - but if our belief is “anger is bad”, it changes the way we experience this emotion - we suppress it instead and stay stuck in a cycle of freeze and shame about feeling anger.

to feel empowered, there are safe and healthy ways to express anger. i’ve been curious about what it could mean for me to let it out more and have been both practicing somatic methods for doing that — and guiding others to do the same.

now, as a recovering perfectionist, i’m not claiming perfection. i’m still a work-in-progress. 😊

but here’s a small shift that I noticed recently:

I was in a discussion with a friend about a topic important to me that we didn’t agree on and my voice began to rise as I began to express my perspective. then I got scared and shut it down because of my belief about anger.

the next morning, I woke up with the conversation still on my mind and two thoughts swirled around in my head:

A) maybe it’s not a big deal and I should let it go. but when I really considered this, my internal experience still felt shameful and I would also be invalidating my perspective and feelings. (my typical response pattern)

B) own and speak my truth, advocate for my perspective and feelings rather than invalidating them and shaming myself.

I went with B and we had a follow on chat.

in this specific situation, choosing B meant that I was taking responsibility for my feelings and asking to be seen and heard in my truth. I didn't want to change my friend’s opinion or invalidate their truth.

AND - advocating for myself gave my inner child a felt sense of protection. she felt seen and heard in her feelings.

when we got off the phone, I was so proud of how I stood up for myself despite it not being smooth or easy… 🌱

here’s my invitation to you — become familiar with your relationship to anger.

here are prompts to work with to explore the source:

🌱 what did were the examples of anger you were exposed to when you were young?

🌱 was anger discussed or not allowed?

🌱 what beliefs about anger did you adopt because of what you were taught directly or indirectly?

🪷