forgiveness: my new f-word

my dark side has been a topic of reflection for the past couple of weeks.  i know it well.  visually, here's where i am.  dark side:  clear.  shameful thoughts and human behaviors.  yet my light side is coming into view now.  i'm having a hard time reconciling this.  how can i be so....envious... at times and yet, compassionate at others?

unconsciously, i gave the topic a rest.  i've had big distractions in my life the past couple of weeks anyway, mainly starting a new job and an extended trip to vegas with friends.  both situations have taken up valuable head real estate. a new job raises issues of doubt (while enjoying vegas makes me numb). the challenge in my practice during this time hasn't been so much showing up at the studio, but recommitting to being present for myself while there:  focusing on nothing but pulling love out of me with an in breath and giving it back to myself as i exhale.

by the third practice after returning from vegas, i began to feel more on track in class.  i was mindfully flowing through each pose, visualizing the flow of breath as love for myself, patiently waiting for my heart chakra to open.  more than half way through the practice, we moved into child's pose with our arms stretched forward.  i turned my palms to face up, as if to make an offering.  before i knew what was happening, i swell rose up from deep inside me and i began to weep uncontrollably.  the word forgiveness quietly entered my mind and what began as an offering turned into begging myself for forgiveness.

it was a moment of clarity.  i realized this might be the reason i'm still trying to reconcile my dark side.  i haven't figured out yet how to forgive myself for the way i am at times.  forgiveness might be my new f-word.

the class moved from child's pose into camel while i continued to weep.  i pulled it together and brought my tears into the pose, arching my back to spread my chest as wide as it would go, willing my heart space to open up to allow forgiveness in.  my body bent effortlessly into shape and for a split second, i could feel my energy rising upward to meet the hand of the divine.

without a doubt, it was the most memorable and spiritual experience i've had in practice yet....