harmony and control
i took the strengthsfinder test for leadership class. harmony tested as my #1 strength. it was a bit confusing. i was certain analytical would test as #1, but it turned out to be #5. the disconnect was that i don't experience myself as harmonious, at least in the way it was described: "People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement."
hmm. is this me? do i really look for consensus? seek agreement? i couldn't think of one situation off-hand which reflected this. sure, i don't enjoy conflict, i prefer to be in harmonious situations. but in the months that followed, i settled into this idea without further contemplation of what harmony really means, or looks like in action for me.
fast forward another month and i came across a passage in pema's book that struck a chord:
...trying to smooth everything out to avoid confrontation, to not rock the boat, is not what's meant by compassion or patience. it's what is meant as control...
i've been reflecting on this over the past week and began to connect the dots, realizing that this passage echoed a conversation with my bestie from the week prior:
b: harmony? really? i'm surprised.
me: you don't see it, at all?
b: i mean, if harmony means controlling your surroundings so it's comfortable for you. i don't know if that's harmony, but that's what you do.
now i see.
to me, harmony is defined, not by its essence - a melody, a pleasing combination of elements in a whole - but by what it implies: the absence of conflict. control is either the other side of my harmony coin or perhaps i have overused harmony to carefully orchestrate my life so i don't have to be in the midst of conflict. either way, the truth is my thoughts and my actions do not always match up.
what is it about conflict that i so desperately want to avoid?
here's an example. tonight i received an email from someone i haven't spoken to in a while. i decided not to open it, at least not right away. instead, i spent energy on and off thinking about the unresolved internal judgment i've been carrying inside related to a situation this person has been involved in. wondering why i hold onto it when ultimately it doesn't matter and yet even that acknowledgement hasn't loosened my grip. i imagined the contents of the email would be scathing, as if i've been "found out" and i will be forced to openly confront this internal conflict, disturbing my state of harmony.
the truth is that i avoid conflict because i hide behind fear, fear of being wrong, not liked, disapproved of and ultimately rejected. and when i'm wrong, i have a habit of rejecting myself. i consciously choose to live with my thoughts, causing inner turmoil and creating a false state of harmony because the trade off is exposing myself to the threat of rejection.
this is the essence of my journey... discovering my courage. learning to be compassionate with myself and others, accepting the good, bad and ugly that comes along with it. i've woven a tight web and peeling back the layers will take time. but i'm anxious to see things as they truly are. i want truth.